Recently I attempted to answer the question, "How do scientists know how many spiders the average person swallows in his or her sleep?" My hypothetical scenario involved a crack staff of expert researchers and several graduate students desperate for cheap housing. Sadly, I have been informed that no such scientific study has ever taken place, presumably because the scientific community is too busy solving "real problems."
One of those problems is, of course, aerosolized toilet water. Shockingly, scientists have found that flushing the toilet with the lid up can spread bacteria as much as eight feet away -- into what is commonly known as the "toothbrush zone." This isn't an urban legend like that thing about eating spiders or the one about alcohol causing birth defects. Microbiologist Charles Gerba did an
actual study on the aerosol effect of toilet flushing, probably using someone else's toothbrush.
This is a quote from an article about the study:
"Droplets are going all over the place—it's like the Fourth of July," said Gerba.
This raises the obvious question: Why did Charles Gerba's parents celebrate Independence Day by splashing him with toilet water? And did this have any effect on his decision to become a microbiologist rather than, say, a fireman?
The article goes on to say that:
Obviously, the idea of toilet water being unknowingly distributed around the bathroom is less than appealing.
This is certainly true, although frankly I don't mind the toilet water not knowing where it's being distributed. When your toilet water has reached the level of sentience where it's aware of being sprayed across the room, it's definitely time to get out the Comet. And maybe call an exorcist.
Gerba notes that while toilets are obviously not sterile environments, they tend to not be as bad as sinks, because toilets are generally cleaned more often.
"If an alien came from space and studied the bacterial counts, he probably would conclude he should wash his hands in your toilet and crap in your sink," Gerba said.
Yes, but what would the alien's dog drink out of, Mr. Smarty Pants Microbiologist? And another thing: Have you even stopped to consider that maybe the bacteria levels in my sink are so much higher
because of all the aliens crapping in it? How can I be expected to keep a clean hand washing area when every extraterrestrial visitor who stops by insists on unloading one in my sink?
Between you and me, I've long suspected that aliens have been crapping in my sink. I can think of no other explanation for the mess. And what else could they be doing in there for so long? I knock and knock, and all I hear is alien grunting. One time they even had the nerve to ask for a magazine. After a while they run the water for a bit, then there's some splashing in the toilet, and they're gone, just like that.
The problem of bacteria being spread by flushing the toilet has an obvious solution: Stop flushing the toilet. This may sound extreme, but as long as you can convince your house guests to crap in the sink like any self-respecting alien would, it shouldn't be a problem.
On the other hand, I like to pee standing up, and I'm not confident in my ability to arc the stream that accurately. Don't get me wrong -- I can write my name in the snow with the best of them, but there's always an ellipsis at the end, if you know what I mean. And you really don't want ellipsis all over your cabinets.
Ok, so maybe the best thing would be to just close the toilet lid before flushing, because I'm not going to pee sitting down just to avoid offending the delicate sensibilities of the Alpha Centaurians. In fact, my real concern is what happens when they do a study showing how much bacteria is spread when a man urinates standing up. Never mind that urine is sterile; you know they're going to find that peeing while erect -- er, while standing -- creates an unfriendly teeth-brushing environment, because of all the collateral bacteria it stirs up.
That's going to make half of the population very unhappy, because they will need to make some radical changes to their daily behavior. I am, of course, speaking of women, who will have to work harder than ever to keep toilets clean. No longer will they be able to go two or three days in between toilet cleanings; from now on, toilets will have to be cleaned at least twice a day to ensure that no dangerous bacteria is present for me to stir up when I urinate.
Not that the responsibility lies solely with women. I, for one, pledge to do my part by doing that thing where I pee around the edge of the water in the bowl to help break up the hard water deposits. Also, when I'm out working in the yard, I'll make a point to "stretch my legs" behind the shed rather than come inside. And, of course, I will encourage my son to continue to pee on the wall behind the toilet, where his urine will dry into an innocuous yellow stain in the corner.
I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with any of the positions that I've taken in this post, particularly the standing up one. Go ahead, send hate mail.
See if I invite you over next Fourth of July.
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Humor-blogs.com won't crap in your sink. Much.
Labels: Nonsense