If you're like most Americans, you're confused by the news media's coverage of the recent tribulations in the stock market. Short selling, P/E ratios, beef jerky futures ... what does it all mean?
Now, thanks to me, you no longer even have to read the articles to understand what's happening in the stock market. This handy reference guide is all you need to interpret the most meaningful element of those articles: the ubiquitous pictures of harried stock traders on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.
We start with the standard wide angle view of stock traders in motion. Pictures like these mean that thing are humming along just fine in the stock market. Watch as suited professionals bark orders confidently over each others' heads. "Buy!" "Sell!" It's American capitalism at its finest.
Then, something worrisome happens. Suddenly no one is moving. The once confident men look to the sky for a sign. It's going to be ok, right?
The number of men in the picture diminishes as the situation worsens. The increasingly isolated man feels an irresistible urge to touch part of his head.
As the situation becomes more bleak, the hand moves from the scalp or forehead to the chin.
When the hand is covering the mouth, the market is in full-on panic mode. The hand over the mouth can take the standard "I can't believe this is happening" form...
...or the "I think I'm going to lose my chili cheese dog" form.
As the situation continues to deteriorate, the hand covers more and more of the face.
Sometimes two hands are needed.
Finally, the head droops downward and the hand covers the eyes, as Mr. Trader enters the final stage of a market meltdown: despair.
This is your signal to BUY. I recommend starting with a shotgun and some bottled water.
Labels: Photos